There is much to gain from reading through Romans 7 and 8, especially from the perspective of an addict. I struggled for a long time with my understanding of much of what Paul was writing here. It was not until I began to read through the Old Testament with new eyes and to began to see how much God loved His people and provided them with opportunity after opportunity to turn from their sinful ways and back to Him, that I gained new insight into what Paul was writing. Once we understood what the laws were, once God provided them to Moses to give to His people, we became aware of our sinful nature and God provided His people with the ways, through sacrifice, to atone for their sins. He provided them with guidelines for right living and for Worship of Him alone. But their sinful nature took over again and again, just as mine will if given the opportunity.
In Romans Paul points out that we have a sinful nature that “came to life” with the law, once we knew the law, which is from God and therefore good and Holy, yet we, in our sinful nature, were unable to keep those laws. We died to sin because our flesh could not conform to the laws which are Holy. Paul writes in Romans 7:19-20 “For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me” and then he later goes on to say “what a wretched man am I!” and begs the question “who will set me free from the body of this death?” He concludes chapter 7 by pointing out his thankfulness for Christ’s sacrifice because he realizes that, though he wants to live a sinless life, in his flesh he cannot and he needs the sacrifice of Christ who redeems us from our sin. Our sinful nature died with Christ when he sacrificed for us so that we too could rise with Him and have new life and freedom and be alive with the Holy Spirit that is in us.
Now these two books, for me anyway, are like a guide-post to the addict who cannot seem to shed the sinful nature of addiction. I cannot simply toss aside my lustful desires for my drug of choice, for food, and expect that because, in my mind, I WANT to not idolize food, I WANT to make God my number one priority, I WANT to let go of my all-consuming desire to turn to food for love and companionship and comfort instead of God, I cannot. It is only through Christ’s strength and power, through His sacrifice, that I am able to turn away and surrender and seek forgiveness, seek God when I falter and am unable to “live up to the righteous requirements of the law.” It is through Him that I know forgiveness and peace, that I am not condemned. For it was right after I walked through the doors of my first Celebrate Recovery meeting that I began to understand more fully the deep and unforgiving nature of my flesh, my addiction, and for the first time I found Romans 8:1 “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” There was something about this verse that hit me between the eyes from the very beginning of the recovery process. Yet I did not fully understand it, I just clung to it and believed it.
When I recently read through the book of Romans again I spent a great deal of time considering what all these things meant to me. I prayed about dealing with my addictive behaviors because, though I have come a long way I still struggle a lot and lately have just simply given in so much that I was despairing ever finding my way back out. So I read again Romans 8:1 and then kept going and praying through the rest. As I look back I see the amazing Love of God for us. I see that because Christ died for my sin He set me free from death…”for what the law could not do, God did…” by sending Christ to die for us as the complete and ultimate offering for our sin so that we may free.
There is so much to these two chapters in Romans that I feel as if I could spend months within them and still not even begin to scratch the surface of all that Paul was writing. But I do know that, though I struggle at times in my flesh, Christ died for my sin and provided me with life and hope and peace and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit that dwells in me to keep me pointed in the direction of life and not of death.
All this came about because of a poem I had written at the beginning of my struggles with this addiction that still speaks to me to this day:
This Addicts Prayer
I run away
It follows me
I hide in the dark
It finds me there
I take a step around
It trips me up
I try to sleep
It finds my dreams
I wake to it by my side
I cry because it stays
It follows me through my day
And stays into my night
Oh God, oh God where are you now?
Please help me find relief!
Would you not spare this sinners heart
And give her rest and peace this day?
While I falter at times, I know the truth of His Love and His sacrifice. I know who I am in Him and I know He will uphold me with His righteous right hand as I walk this journey of life here with Him. He is there with me, still loving me, when I turn from Him and turn to food for comfort or relief that does not come. What I am finally beginning to understand more fully is the TRUTH of what is written here for us, and not just in my head, but in my heart. This is a love story and it plainly shows us the amazing and beautiful love our Father in heaven has for us, so much so that He sent His son as the ultimate sacrifice for our sin so that we could once again be close to Him.
Instead of simply reading this and trying to understand it in my mind, it seeps into my very soul and finds the pieces of me that are still quite broken and begins to knit them back together, stronger than before, so that I may have peace each day, in Him, and through Him who Loves me more than I will ever truly understand because it IS a peace and love that surpasses understanding.
It is daily my prayer that He will lead me along the path of His truth and life and love – and to live in that peace that surpasses understanding so I may lay my burdens down and know He has me tightly held in His Loving grasp.
